Aircraft jokes

Grandma lent me a stack of jokes a couple weeks ago because we were the MC’s for Melissa & Andrew’s wedding.  I skimmed them over briefly to see if there was anything we’d want to use, but decided we weren’t really the joke-telling kind of MC’s, so they went back into my laptop case.  I was cleaning out my laptop case last night and took them out to read them thoroughly.

Wow!  I’m not sure if it was the combined effect of reading the whole stack at once (but usually joke-overdose has a non-laughing effect on me), or the fact that I was so tired yesterday, or the fact that I’ve been so tired for the last 3 weeks (weddings are crazy), but by the end I was rolling on the floor laughing and gasping and laughing more.  I’ll share the one that tipped the balance into hysterical, unable-to-stop laughter.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor!  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).  By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M:  Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:  Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M:  Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P:  Something loose in the cockpit.
M:  Something tightened in cockpit.

P:  Dead bugs on windshield.
M:  Live bugs on back-order.

P:  Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P:  Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M:  Evidence removed.

P:  DME volume unbelievably loud.
M:  DME volume set to more believable level.

P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M:  That’s what they’re for.

P:  1FF inoperative.
M:  1FF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P:  Suspected crack in windshield.
M:  Suspect you’re right.

P:  Number 3 engine missing.
M:  Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P:  Aircraft handles funny.
M:  Aircraft warned to straighten up, flight right, and be serious.

And the best on for last….
P:  Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M:  Took hammer away from midget.

~From the “Back Page” in Valleyview


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