New life…mine, not Elianna’s!

It’s been 2 weeks since Elianna was born — or rather, forcibly evicted! — and 10 days since we were released from the hospital, but it feels like only a week.

I am absolutely loving life (well, in between random teary bouts!), and the small pleasures I can once again enjoy.  There were so many things I took for granted before, and then lost during pregnancy.  Now that I am well again being able to do those little things is wonderful!

It is wonderful to be able to get up in the morning, feel hungry, and go eat a bowl of cereal with milk.  Just like that.  No more waking up sick and not wanting to get up because it will get worse.  No more hanging my head over a pail for 10 minutes before even trying to eat.  No more debating whether to take my anti-nausea medication now or later in case I threw up (those things are stinking expensive!!!!).  I can just get up, and EAT.  Simple as that!

I can kiss my husband properly again without feeling sick!  Poor suffering man….it’s been a long 9 months!

I am hungry again.  Genuinely HUNGRY.  Not the “my stomach is empty and I need to eat or I will get more sick, but I REALLY don’t want to see food, and I have no clue what to eat that won’t come right back up again” type of hungry, but the “I am STARVING and I want FOOD and I don’t care what it is, just BRING ME FOOD!!!!”  I was sending Jerry out at 11 at night at the hospital, begging him to bring me food, any kind of food, anything!!!!

I can drink milk again!!!!!!!  I drank milk the morning after Elianna was born.  It was strange.  I drank it.  Two glasses of it.  My brain said, “Oooh, this is not good!  You’re not supposed to have milk!  I feel sick!” but my body said, “Hmmmm…no…I do NOT feel sick!”  Sometimes I still feel a bit sick…but I think it’s just that I’ve been sick for so long that my brain doesn’t know how to be well again!

I have energy again.  Yes, I’m tired, and yes, Elianna keeps us awake at all hours, and yes, I still feel exhausted from the eviction ordeal, but I am not constantly exhausted and bone-tired.

I’m me again.  I know, that probably sounds strange…but it’s true.  I’ve felt like a shell of myself for the last 8 months.  Exhausted, emotionally worn down to nothing, constantly fighting irrational irritation at EVERYTHING (ok, so maybe I was a bit hormonal!), peopled-out…I did not realize that being constantly sick could affect you so drastically.  I feel like a new person.  I have life in me again.  I WANT to live! (most times when Jerry would ask what he could get for me, my only request was “a gun, PLEASE!”)  My husband has his wife back.  I have energy to take care of him again emotionally.

After the longest spiritual desert/valley of my life, I feel like I am coming back out into the light again.  The black hole is over.  I don’t know how I survived it.  Then the other day I found a verse — Psalm 94:17-18 — “If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.  When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.” When I had no strength of my own, it was His that carried me through, even when it seemed He was far away.

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2 thoughts on “New life…mine, not Elianna’s!

  1. It IS God’s strength that allows us to do all things.. and in your case, make it through pregnancy. I enjoy reading your blog!…Its a real blessing and smile to my day when I need it! Nice to keep in touch by blogging!

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